Buitron I’ve Got Your Six

 

Where do I start?  I don\"t know where this actually started? When did this start? It goes back, to our early years of marriage. I think that\"s why it almost feels like we\"ve been dealing with this all our married lives. This is my first post on this blog. I may jump around from post to post, since I randomly remember things. 

If you or someone you know has ever been diagnosed with cancer, you know that\"s a word, you never imagine hearing. Its always someone else, a friend, or a friend of a friend. I thought it happened to other people. Cancer does not care if you go to church every Sunday, if you volunteer to help other people fighting cancer, it doesn\"t care if you eat healthy, and exercise, if you are rich or poor, young or old, it does not discriminate against anyone. Looking back I realize how naive I was.   

The one thing I will never forget is the day my husband came home and told me he was diagnosed with leukemia. That is engraved in my mind so vividly. 

There\"s so many details about this day, but I will try my best to be brief and to the point. It was a Tuesday, I was at home putting laundry away, still in my night gown, cause once you start housework you don\"t stop to get "dressed". (<----There\"s a lesson right there, get dressed! Every day no matter what, dress up, and be ready for life!) So he\"s in his police uniform walking up the stairs in our house, and I was standing at the top waiting . . . he had briefly called me before arriving home but I couldn\"t understand what he was saying. 

Once he was close enough, undressing as he was talking he said, "The Dr. called, he said I have leukemia, and we need to go to MD Anderson right now!"  The room started to spin, I felt like I was fainting, but I never hit the ground. I think that feeling stayed with me at least a week. I was waiting to hit the ground, someone slap me so I can wake up! I was the complete opposite of what someone should be, after someone tells you they have cancer. I mean really? What are you supposed to say? How do you respond?  Everything is going to be fine? I didn\"t know, I didn\"t know what was going to happen, I was so clueless, my mind went to the darkest place it has ever been. My husband was crying while talking to me, and I could only see his mouth moving, I couldn\"t hear anything he was saying. He was handing me the phone, it was the Dr. the oncologist, he said, "I already called MD Anderson, they are waiting for you. We think he has a form of LEUKEMIA, they will be able to tell you what kind and treat him faster than we can. Your husband can not drive, YOU have to drive.(anyone who knows me, knows I hate driving) I was a zombie, I started packing a bag, while simultaneously calling my mom. Then our family Dr. called, she repeated everything the oncologist said, and stressed the fact that my husband couldn\"t drive. I don\"t remember calling my inlaws, my husband must\"ve called them, because within minutes they were at my house. All of them, my mom, my step dad, my in laws, and my sister. I think by this time, I was starting to snap out of it a little. Very little. 

MY BOYS . . . . .  noooooo, NO, NO, NO!!! I did not want them to feel an ounce of the pain I was feeling. My step dad went to go pick them up from school so we could say good bye. For how long? Would they see their dad again? What do I tell them? how much do I tell them? They were 9 and 16 at the time. Babies, my babies, the pain that was about to be inflicted on them I could not stop, I couldn\"t protect them, I couldn\"t even lie, and say "everything was going to be ok."  Because I really didn\"t know, my head was still spinning. Maybe we would get to Houston and they would run all the tests again, and find out it wasn\"t leukemia, it was something that could be treated with medicine.  But no, I knew. I already knew. I knew a few weeks ago, before any dr. could confirm it, I knew. 

This is hard to explain, and maybe hard to believe, but one night as my husband and I were in bed (him asleep and me watching TV - he\"s always been the first to fall asleep, and I have suffered with insomnia for years). I was watching the nightly news, he lifted his head from his deep sleep to give me a kiss, since he fell asleep without kissing me goodnight. In that moment, I saw cancer. Even typing this feels weird. It was like a voice or maybe it was just a thought I heard out loud - HE HAS CANCER. His face look gray, was it the light from the TV? The angle? Was it in my head? Why was I hearing this? I actually got scared and turned off the TV, started talking to myself NO, NO, that can\"t be. God, protect us. You are wrong, he is strong and healthy, get those thoughts out of your head.  I kept what I experienced that night to myself for a very long time. 

Once my boys got to our house, we told them "we have to go to Houston, your dad is sick, and they need him to get checked over there." I was trying so hard to keep it together at this point, I didn\"t want to scare them, but they knew it wasn\"t good.  I couldn\"t tell them, it hurt so much to look at their innocent little faces. But in all honesty, I was already praying for a miracle. Praying this was all a mistake, and I wasn\"t going to tell them till it was confirmed by MD Anderson.  We said our hardest goodbyes and left our boys behind entrusted to my family. Soon after driving off, my dad called me, to this day, I don\"t know what he said. We were both crying uncontrollably on the phone. Don\"t even know or remember how that phone call ended. I am not kidding when I say I cried the entire 6 hour drive. Even when I made every effort to stop crying, the tears kept rolling. I was the opposite of supportive, positive, and anything else my husband needed at that moment. (<-------- there\"s another lesson - get a grip! this is not the way to act when anyone tells you they have cancer) 

2 lessons in my first blog.  Stay tuned for my next post as I share our journey.